A Bad Example
A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs and his drink water. “What! madam,” said he, “would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish?”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
A Disclaimer
GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of it, one day asked him good humouredly, “Pray, Zaremba, what is your name?” The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long name. “Why,” said the king, “the devil himself never had such a name.” “I should presume not, Sire,” replied the general, “as he was no relation of mine.”
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
A Striking Notice
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: “Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
A Sufficient Reason
THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire noted for his long sermons and indolent habits. “How is it,” said a man to his neighbour, “Parson ——, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?” “Why,” said the other, “he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to stop.”
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
A Weak Woman
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. “Let her wash them,” said the doctor, “every morning with a small glass of brandy.” A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. “Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice?” — “She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor”; said the spouse, “but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
Taken Down a Peg
AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, stepped up to him and inquired:
“How much do you ax for thim houses?”
“What do you ask me that for?”
“Faith, an’ I thought the whole strate belonged to ye,” replied the Irishman.
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
Alone in his Glory
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no “gentleman.” — “Are you a gentleman?” asked the droll one. “Yes, sir” bounced the fop. “Then I am very glad I am not,” replied the other.
(The Jest Book, 1866)
Gentlemen and their Debts
THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr. Peach, a veterionary surgeon, “Mr. Peach how is it you have not called upon me for your account?”
“Oh,” said Mr. Peach, “I never ask a gentleman for money.”
“Indeed!” said the Vicar, “then how do you get on if he don’t pay?”
“Why,” replied Mr. Peach, “after a certain time I conclude that he is not a gentleman, and then I ask him.”
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
A Constitutional Pun
DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. “Upon what subject?” said Daniel. “The king,” answered the other. “O, sir,” said he, “the king is no subject.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
Conundrums
WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man? — One is a tall fellow and the other not at all.
Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride? — Because he’s taken for better or worse.
Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all individuals? — Because he’s the querist.
Why is a thief called a “jail-bird?” — Because he has been a “robbin.”
Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs himself “Nemo?” — Because there is an omen in the very letters.
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
A Convert
A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, “This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
Well Matched
DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, “May I pass to my seat, O Giant?” When the doctor, politely making way, replied, “Pass, O Pigmy!” — “O, sir,” said the baronet, “my expression alluded to the size of your intellect.” — “And my expression, sir,” said the doctor, “to the size of yours.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
Drunkenness
A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said — “What, drunk again, Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk again.” “No, sir, same drunk, sir, same drunk,” replied Sam.
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
The One Thing Wanting
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, “I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you want the brimstone” — she replied, “No, not the brimstone, only the spark.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
(Puniana, 1867)
Bussing
BUSS — to kiss. Re-bus — to kiss again. Blunder-buss — two girls kissing each other. Omni-bus — to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter — a general kisser. E pluribus unum — a thousand kisses in one.
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
Three Causes
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. “Bring me another,” says his companion, “because I am cold.” The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, “Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it.”
(The Jest Book, 1866)
A Surprise
A GREEN ‘un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed his surprise — “Well, if the darned thing ain’t holler!”
(The Book of Anecdotes and Joker’s Knapsack, 1866)
Warning to Ladies
BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
(The Jest Book, 1866)
You must be logged in to post a comment.