A selection of jokes, puns, and riddles from Puniana, 1867.
Pray tell us, apropos of this amusing Crusoe-fiction, what piece of music the Romans, in the time of the early Christians, most enjoyed?
A stab at martyr!
How do young ladies show their dislike to moustaches?
By setting their faces against them!
Where is it that all women are equally beautiful?
A sly friend promptly replies, “Why, in the dark, of course.”
Why are stars like an old barn?
Because there are r, a, t, s, in both.
Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than by day?
Because he is let out at night, and taken in in the morning.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager?
Because he makes both ends meet!
When ought a man to look most carefully after his “better half?”
When his next-door neighbour, or near neighbour, is “on the look-out for a wife!!”
If a man’s wife run away, when would be an appropriate, we say a most appropriate, occasion to pity him?
When – she comes back again!
When is a blow from a lady welcome?
When she strikes you agreeably!
When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive from you at the same time?
Why, a key to your feelings.
Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine?
Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and passes over the plain!
What is the difference between an accepted and a rejected lover?
One kisses his missis, the other misses his kisses.
Why is a ship like a woman?
Because she is often tender to a man-of-war; often running after a smack; often attached to a great bouy; and frequently making up to a pier!
Why is a very demure young lady like a steam-packet?
Because she pays no attention to the swells that follow her.
Why is a person afflicted with lumbago like one smoking a penny cigar?
Because his baccy’s bad (His back is bad).
What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork?
You’re too pointed!
What is it we all say we will do, recommend others to do, and yet no one has ever done it?
Stop a minute!
I am for ever, yet was never?
What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet?
A young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday of his life!
[What a magnetficent creature she must have been!]
When are babies travelling abroad?
When going to Brest.
Name the most unsociable things in the world.
Milestones; for you never see two of them together.
When should a foreign hotel-keeper visit an English iron-foundry?
When he wants an English bar-maid.
Why does South Afric sherry rhyme with stomach?
Because it’s rum muck.
If I buy four oranges for a penny, and give one of them away, why am I like a telescope?
Because I make a far-thing present.
What is it that every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained?
A good appetite.
Why is a broad-sword combat like using a sand-ball?
Because it’s sand to hand.
What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum?
The battle of A-gin-court!
What sort of cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at Court?
What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza?
Wud dose the stops, the other stops the dose.
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor’s bill?
[Juvenile reminiscence! As a lady was lying on the sofa once, we, with one of the colours from our paint-box, easily aroused her, that is, with a yell awoke her (with a yellow ochre). She, we are happy to say, did not sofa any inconvenience from it afterwards.]
Why are ladies – whether sleeping on sofas or not – like hinges?
Because they are things to a-door!
What is it that never asks questions, yet requires many answers?
What relation is the door-mat to the door-step?
Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood?
Because it’s always wood (would) – or should be!
Why is a new-born baby like a storm?
Because it begins with a squall!
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye?
When he has a vacancy for a pupil!
Why are dogs and cats like schoolmasters and their pupils?
Because one is of the canine (canin’), the other of the feline (feelin’) species.
Why will seeing a schoolboy being thoroughly well switched bring to your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig, hanging from a hook?
Because he’s a pork-reacher (poor creature)!
[You know what the schoolmaster said to the boy he was about flogging: – “If it’s wishing won’t make you learn, perhaps it’s swishing will!”]
Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for breakfast?
A hearty-choke and a hoister!
Why is a a wainscotted room like a reprieve?
Because it saves hanging.
Why is the hangman’s noose like a box with nothing in it?
Because it’s hemp-tie.
The public credit and the public shame,
Though widely different, differ not in name?
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady’s side-saddle?
Because it holds a gall-on.
How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved?
They exhibit their “presents of mind” by “giving you a bit of it!”
How is it you can never tell a lady’s real hystericks from her sham ones?
Because, in either case, it’s a feint.
[Hys-t’ricks are her tricks, so a woman can always beat a man with her own weepin’, all through her superior knowledge of feints (fence).]
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
When is a man like a green gooseberry?
When a woman makes a fool of him.
What kind of book might a man wish his wife to resemble?
An almanack; for then he could have a new one every year.
If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice ladle-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the operation?
She wouldn’t want any Spectators, nor Observers, but lots of Times.
[Now, if you had asked us, we should have given it as our opinion that she would have ardently admired the entire Press!]